The Bible is one of the oldest documents on Earth. It contains ancient proverbs and poetry, and centuries worth of stories. What’s more, translations of this one of a kind document can easily be accessed by pretty much anyone.
Some might expect every story in the Bible to have a clear purpose, a moral at the very least. This isn’t true. The Bible can be downright messy at times, and not all stories have a clear beginning and end, let alone a moral or purpose.
Sometimes the Bible is downright bizarre.
Noah Gets Drunk
Humanity has a long history of drinking. Archaeologists believe humans were brewing beer long before bread was even an idea. Straws, it’s believed, were first used on alcoholic beverages.
One of the first recorded incidents of someone getting drunk occurs in the Bible, shortly after Noah, of ark-building fame, planted a vineyard.
After the the flood Noah picked grapes from the vineyard he had grown, made wine, and got very, very drunk.
His youngest son, Ham, came into Noah’s tent and found his father passed out and completely naked. Ham left and told his brothers, Shem and Japheth, what he’d seen. Shem and Japheth took a blanket into Noah’s tent and covered their naked father up.
The next day, Noah woke up, heard what had happened. He then lost his temper at Ham.
‘Why’ is unclear. Because Ham saw him naked? Not his fault—he didn’t expect to find a naked Noah. Because he told others? Maybe worth getting a little mad about. But if Noah didn’t want people to know he was drunk, well, he shouldn’t have got drunk.
What makes Noah’s anger even stranger is that he proceeds to curse not Ham, the one who made him angry, but Canaan, Ham’s son. Once Noah’s done cursing Ham’s son, he blesses Shem and Japheth. The story stops there, without a proper ending at all.
Perhaps parts of this story are missing. Scribes make mistakes, manuscripts get torn, once clear language becomes obscure. However, Noah’s actions do seem to have a pattern to them.
First, Noah gets blackout drunk. Then, he wakes up the next day in a terrible mood that he takes out on the most convenient person, in this case, Ham.
Drunk in the evening, crabby in the morning. It sounds to me like Noah had an extremely bad hangover.
The only moral I can get from this story? Don’t get drunk.
Abraham’s Sister
Back when Abraham was known as Abram, and his wife was still known as Sarai instead of Sarah, he paid a visit to Egypt. Because Sarai was very good-looking, Abram was scared someone might kill him to get to her. So he instructed Sarai to say she was his sister to anyone who might ask.
The Pharaoh then saw Sarai and decided he wanted to sleep with her. So he took Sarai to his palace and gave Abram sheep, cattle, donkeys and camels in recompense.
Most would rather have their wife than donkeys, but apparently Abram saw things differently.
God, who knew who Sarai was really married to, was less than pleased about Pharaoh sleeping with her. So he struck Pharaoh and his household with disease.
Pharaoh returned Sarai to her husband and berated Abram for claiming Sarai was his sister. God removed the disease from Pharaoh’s household.
Not a terribly long story, and, on the surface, not that puzzling either. Except, if you are familiar with Egyptian history, one part sticks out.
You see, Egyptian royalty was well-known for its love of sibling marriage. Every Pharaoh married his sister. It was simply the way things were done.
Given that Pharaoh seemed to regard Abram as equal—it’s doubtful a peasant man have received a single sheep, let alone a crew of cattle and donkeys—why would he assume Abram’s sister wasn’t also his wife?
The Egyptians made no secret of their disgusting practice; surely those who wrote down the story would know that.
Then why did Pharaoh take Sarai? Did he, off page, ask Abram if Sarai was also his wife?
Maybe he just assumed Abram would mention if Sarai was was his wife as well as his sister?
Or did the text somehow get mixed up? Was Abram really in some other land, dealing with some other ruler?
One rather horrifying possibility? What if the Egyptians back then didn’t practice incest? Abram may have been the one to first introduce the Pharaohs to the possibility that one’s sister could also be one’s wife.
Yuck.
Zipporah at the Inn
The next bizarre story takes place while Moses, his wife, Zipporah, and their children were journeying to Egypt, to free the Israelites from slavery.
Moses and his family had stopped to spend the night at an inn. While they were their, God came and tried to kill either Moses or his son. The Ancient Hebrew is unclear.
Zipporah sees what is happening, takes a knife and cuts off either Moses’s or her son’s foreskin. She then touches Moses’s feet with the foreskin and declares him a ‘bridegroom of blood’ to her.
This somehow appeases God, and he decides to let either Moses (or his son) live.
The story then ends, and is never brought up again.
No one really knows what to make of this. It comes out of nowhere and ends out of nowhere.
My guess is that this is the only remaining fragment of a larger story, one that made sense. Perhaps a story about the importance of circumcision? Or maybe the original story had more to do with the importance of certain types of knives?
Why did Zipporah think touching someone with freshly cut foreskin would help matters in the first place? Just another question to ask God in the afterlife.
In Closing
Noah, Abraham, and Moses. Some of the most important figures in the Bibles, attached to some of the strangest stories.
Who knows? Perhaps these stories should simply be taken as a reminder that nobody knows everything. Life is bizarre, and there are times when the Bible is as well.
Some things have no explanation. But that doesn’t mean those things aren’t valuable.
Sources
Zipporah at the Inn, Wikipedia
the Left Handed Blotcher 
awesome blog! Have often wondered why some of these weird bizarre stories are even included in the Bible! Maybe they show how human even the best known characters were – they weren’t saints by any stretch! Maybe they show that God can handle any messed up situation or person?? So many bizarre stories in the Bible!! I’d be interested to hear your take on another three! Always enjoy reading your perspective and humour! 😀
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